Warning: If you’re looking for an upbeat, positive post, this is NOT it! This is a blog about my REAL journey with weight loss and binge eating. I don’t sugar coat anything unless it’s a cupcake.

I almost threw in the towel today with my weekly measurements and progress pics. The last thing I wanted to do was broadcast to the world that I’m a big fat failure. But, it’s these moments of vulnerability that I struggle with the most and so it’s therapeutic for me to share them because you just might be going through the same situation. I’m starting to think that I can’t get this weight off without a medical intervention.

I didn’t post my stats last week because I was traveling on business and literally in meetings from 7:30am until 9pm every single day. Plus factor in getting ready, working after work, and dealing with ALL of my websites crashing. I was exhausted! I ate good the first 2 days and then the last 2 days I did over indulge. Couple that with not having time to work out and it was a recipe for disaster. Plus, traveling just makes me feel like shit.

I had a major melt down two days before I left for the trip which started by me leaving the mall, tears streaming down my face and barely making it in my house before I let it all out. I was pleading to my husband that I feel so lost and don’t know how to do this anymore and that I need help. I love him to death but he had no idea how to handle that.

I knew better than to go out and try on clothes for my trip. The problem is that nothing fits that I currently own.

AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I lost my shit because I let myself go AGAIN and like always I’ve been in denial about how much weight I’ve put on. Geeezussssss. This isn’t the first time I’ve been in this situation.  I’m really starting to feel like a broken record. How many times does a person have to lose and gain the same 30 lbs before they are declared clinically insane? It’s at least how I feel about this situation. I don’t understand what is driving me to keep gaining the weight after I work so effing hard to lose it. I desperately need to see a therapist again but with our new health care plan, it’s too expensive. These health care plans with a high deductible do not help anyone! I was really making big strides in my journey when I had someone to talk to every week. I really miss that support system. Don’t even get me started on that right now. Ugh.

Anyways. I don’t know if taking measurements is really even helping anymore. The longer I go without weighing myself, the more anxiety I have about ever stepping on the scale again. I. just. can’t. do. it. In my mind, I’m terrified that I’ll weigh as much as I did in my “Medusa” days like these pics from 2000.

My Story - Medusa

I’m pretty much just frustrated and disgusted with myself right now.

The last time I took measurements was 2-27 and they were DOWN. 2 weeks later here I am and they are UP. WTF!

I don’t even know what to do anymore about this shit. I didn’t work out any last week. I’ve walked 3 times this week but nothing intensive like the Shred. I feel like if I don’t track/weigh/measure my food every single day/every single bite and workout intensely each day, the weight literally comes right back on like a magnet. I don’t get it. It’s never been this fucking hard.

Weekl 8 Measurments

Week 8 Progress Pics

Is it really this hard for everyone?

I know it seems like I’m bitching but I need to vent. It’s not fucking fair that this has to be the number one priority in my life over every thing else. It’s not fair that I can’t go a week without working out and gain weight. It’s not fair that I keep putting myself through this hell. I just want to be able to throw on a plain t shirt and jeans and not look and feel like a busted can of biscuits!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know it’s probably an excuse to say I need help or a support system in order to do this. Maybe it’s not. I don’t know. But for now, this blog is my support system and I thank you for reading my posts and helping me along with this journey.

“Any experience can be transformed into something of value. Everything depends on the way you look at things. You cannot have the success without the failures.”