Warning: If you’re looking for an upbeat, positive post, this is NOT it! This is a blog about my REAL journey with weight loss and binge eating. I don’t sugar coat anything unless it’s a cupcake.
I almost threw in the towel today with my weekly measurements and progress pics. The last thing I wanted to do was broadcast to the world that I’m a big fat failure. But, it’s these moments of vulnerability that I struggle with the most and so it’s therapeutic for me to share them because you just might be going through the same situation. I’m starting to think that I can’t get this weight off without a medical intervention.
I didn’t post my stats last week because I was traveling on business and literally in meetings from 7:30am until 9pm every single day. Plus factor in getting ready, working after work, and dealing with ALL of my websites crashing. I was exhausted! I ate good the first 2 days and then the last 2 days I did over indulge. Couple that with not having time to work out and it was a recipe for disaster. Plus, traveling just makes me feel like shit.
I had a major melt down two days before I left for the trip which started by me leaving the mall, tears streaming down my face and barely making it in my house before I let it all out. I was pleading to my husband that I feel so lost and don’t know how to do this anymore and that I need help. I love him to death but he had no idea how to handle that.
I knew better than to go out and try on clothes for my trip. The problem is that nothing fits that I currently own.
AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I lost my shit because I let myself go AGAIN and like always I’ve been in denial about how much weight I’ve put on. Geeezussssss. This isn’t the first time I’ve been in this situation. I’m really starting to feel like a broken record. How many times does a person have to lose and gain the same 30 lbs before they are declared clinically insane? It’s at least how I feel about this situation. I don’t understand what is driving me to keep gaining the weight after I work so effing hard to lose it. I desperately need to see a therapist again but with our new health care plan, it’s too expensive. These health care plans with a high deductible do not help anyone! I was really making big strides in my journey when I had someone to talk to every week. I really miss that support system. Don’t even get me started on that right now. Ugh.
Anyways. I don’t know if taking measurements is really even helping anymore. The longer I go without weighing myself, the more anxiety I have about ever stepping on the scale again. I. just. can’t. do. it. In my mind, I’m terrified that I’ll weigh as much as I did in my “Medusa” days like these pics from 2000.
I’m pretty much just frustrated and disgusted with myself right now.
The last time I took measurements was 2-27 and they were DOWN. 2 weeks later here I am and they are UP. WTF!
I don’t even know what to do anymore about this shit. I didn’t work out any last week. I’ve walked 3 times this week but nothing intensive like the Shred. I feel like if I don’t track/weigh/measure my food every single day/every single bite and workout intensely each day, the weight literally comes right back on like a magnet. I don’t get it. It’s never been this fucking hard.
Is it really this hard for everyone?
I know it seems like I’m bitching but I need to vent. It’s not fucking fair that this has to be the number one priority in my life over every thing else. It’s not fair that I can’t go a week without working out and gain weight. It’s not fair that I keep putting myself through this hell. I just want to be able to throw on a plain t shirt and jeans and not look and feel like a busted can of biscuits!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know it’s probably an excuse to say I need help or a support system in order to do this. Maybe it’s not. I don’t know. But for now, this blog is my support system and I thank you for reading my posts and helping me along with this journey.
“Any experience can be transformed into something of value. Everything depends on the way you look at things. You cannot have the success without the failures.”
Hi! I’m Aimee with 2 E’s. I'm a confidence coach that empowers women to love themselves by breaking down body image issues, so that they can lose the emotional weight and gain the confidence to look and feel irresistible...at any size.
Oh man, we have all been there.
It frustrates me to no end that so many people don’t understand what it’s like to constantly obsess over diet and exercise. To have to turn down so many things because you’re dieting and there is food there that you can’t eat – it makes you feel like a social outcast when you are doing something good for yourself.
Those are all such small fluctuations up that I wouldn’t stress too much about it – you could have been 1/4″ off from where you took them last time and it could have thrown things off.
Hugs, I know how you’re feeling and it totally blows. You can get through it!
I can totally understand your frustration! First off, you’re not a failure – especially if you pick yourself up and keep moving in the right direction. And it’s definitely not an excuse to say you need a support system – having support can help motivate you, keep you on track, and hold you accountable. Not to mention it’s nice to have people to celebrate with and vent to when needed. You CAN do this (without meds!) – no one expects you to be perfect and you shouldn’t either. Hang in there – don’t throw in the towel. You’ll thank yourself for it later.
2 years ago I weighed 224, I am now 137… its VERY hard to lose weight and keep it off. Even now, if I dont bust my ass I will gain 5lbs like its nobody’s business…its never ending. Hang in there though, thats why its a lifestyle change. You WILL get there and who cares if there is speed bumps along the way, as long as they dont derail you completely its ok.
Aimee–I totally can identify with this. If I stop working out for a week and even eat a tiny bit over what I normally do, I’ll gain. It’s just the way it is for me. Sometimes I get so upset and frustrated that I spend such a large percentage of my life thinking about food, what I will eat, how I will look, what the scale will say, etc. etc. Just know that you are not alone in this and there are a lot of different reasons that weight can fluctuate so much. Just keep on plugging, even when you feel like you can’t anymore. It will pay off in the end! And good for you for posting all this stuff…it helps me too to see that other people have the same struggles as me. I hate it when you read someone’s blog and it’s all sunshine and unicorns!! weight loss is HARD. You can do this. 🙂
First I just want to say I L.O.V.E. your blog- and I love how open and honest you are. -As long as you are working towards your goal you are not failing. And I don’t think it’s easy for anyone- but I do believe it’s worth it.
This weekend I went out and had a few drinks , ate some great food and had a very enjoyable time. – Monday morning step on the scale and i’m 5 lbs heavier.. The same 5 lbs I spent time working hard trying to get off. — at first i was very upset and vowed to never have another drink or go out again. —
But then I realized I had a good time and I shouldn’t punish myself for enjoying myself. The fact is our weight is always going to go up and down – sometimes we are going to eat foods we shouldn’t – I think all that matters is that we don’t give up. That we continue to work hard to get to where we want to be :).
I look forward to more from you :).
Thank YOU so much!!!! Ahh, I’ve been there after a weekend of fun! You’re right though. It’s not about the number. IT’s about having fun and not giving up. Thanks for reading!
This post really hit home for me, I’m in tears. I thought I was the only one who felt this insanity. I love you.
Thanks for taking the time to read and leave a comment. When I read comments like this, it makes me feel better that we aren’t alone in our journey!