It’s Friday and I’m just now getting around to posting my weekly measurements. My goal is to have these published on Wednesday’s but it’s been a rough week. I actually contemplated filing weight loss bankruptcy and skipping the week all together. But then I remembered how therapeutic these blogs are for me and that I might let someone else down. I have to say THANK YOU for all the kinds words, comments, and private emails you’ve sent me. You have NO idea how much that means to me and I’m truly grateful to you for reading my blog.

Not Feeling So Hot

I haven’t been feeling well all week and I actually left work early on Tuesday and called in sick on Wednesday. I don’t know if I’m actually coming down with a cold or it’s just pure exhaustion. I get like this once every 45 days. I never really get full on sick but I feel run down, weak, tired, headaches, body aches, upset stomach, runny nose, etc. I think it really is just the result of burning the candle at both ends. BUT, I had my fill of every off color documentary on NetFlix and I’m back on the path to recovery.

I also had an “off” week as it relates to my weight loss journey. I just haven’t been in the zone. When I look back, I’m not really binging or going crazy but I’m not being as disciplined as I should either. There were soooooo many times that I was craving icing but I never gave in to temptation! I also totally have failed in the daily workout routine.

As a result, I feel gross. I have felt fat and ugly all week. I get into a vicious cycle of feeling that way which prevents me from actually getting off my ass and doing something about it which in turn makes me feel disgusting. Ahhhhh! It’s insane making behavior I tell ya!

motivational_quote_imagine_that_day_where_you_can_finally_say_i_did_it

I also got into a slump while I wasn’t feeling good and was mentally beating myself up about my lack of changes/progress. I started playing the “all or nothing” game and wondering if I’m ever going to get to my goal size. I’ve been at this a long time, y’all. My ENTIRE life. There’s been so many diets, so many “lifestyle changes”, so many “I’ll start tomorrows” that I st art doubting myself. I’ve lost trust and faith in my own ability to make this happen.

What Can I Actually Control in Life?

There’s so many things in my life that I can’t control that I wish I could. Death and disease being the top of that list. It’s no surprise that it’s my biggest fear and what sent me into a year of panic attacks and agoraphobia when I was a teenager. I haven’t ever let go of that fear, it’s just that I know myself better now and how to manage my anxiety. Or do I because it occasionally rears its ugly head.

It got me thinking this week that I can’t control when anyone I love is going to die. I can’t get rid of cancer. I can’t stop people I love from being hurt and knocked down by life. That’s just a dark fact of life and it fucking sucks.  Especially for a control loving, type 8 enneagram, LEO!!!!

Perfection-is-not-just-about-control.-Its-also-about-letting-go-Darren-Aronofsky

However, the ONLY thing in this world I can control is my attitude and my weight loss efforts. NOBODY else can do this for me. That’s liberating and also scary as shit at the same time. I alone have to weigh, measure, and track my food. I alone have to put the workout clothes on and sweat my ass off at the gym. I alone have to take my weekly measurements and post them for the world to see. I can’t rely on anyone else to do this work for me. Maybe that’s why I’ve always turned to food for comfort. It’s something I can control for those few minutes to take my brain off of the impending doom of life. However, each minute that I spend worrying about what MIGHT happen to someone is one less minute I get to enjoy and cherish time with that person or just BE in solitude with my own thoughts.

Self-Control-Quote

Getting Back on Track

I got back on track with my eating yesterday and actually went to bed with a few left over points. I know you’re not supposed to do that but I’m pretty sure it equaled itself out with the days I’ve gone over. As I sit here typing this, I’m enjoying a green smoothie, listening to my zen music, and focusing on the positive and the happy blessings in my life.

Week Four Measurements

Yes, some of measurements went up but I’m not surprised considering I’ve been vegging out and not putting in the work.

Week Three Measurements for February 5, 2014

Week Four Progress Pics

Ugh. These are horrible but I know I will kick myself if I don’t do them now! Regardless of how crappy I feel, I still wanted to document this week.

Week 4 Measurements

How do you overcome the dark thoughts and how have they affected your weight loss efforts or body image?

“Learn from the past, set vivid, detailed goals for the future, and live in the only moment of time over which you have any control: now.”
~Denis Waitley~