If Barbie can be a fat failure, so can you!

Losing Weight . . .


Gaining Weight . . .
I consider myself an expert on the topic. I’ve been the “husky”, 4-eyed, 4th grader my whole life. I traded the 4 eyes for contacts but haven’t quite dropped the “husky” title. I’ve lost pounds. Gained them back. Gained them back some more. Up Down. Up Down. It’s a sick and pathetic roller coaster.
Will I ever break the vicious cycle? Some days I really don’t know. I haven’t thrown the towel in just yet and I keep pressing myself to learn more about why I do these things. I know exactly how to lose weight the healthy way. I just struggle at times with execution. I’ve come so far but yet have so far to go and so much to learn.
I could coach you, train you, and be your best weight loss mentor! I’m still on the journey for the missing link between knowing and applying, consistently.
What I have mastered over the years is how to FAIL at weight loss.
Check out tip # 6 – Self Hatred.
Good for you, I don’t have a problem admitting my faults. I hope you can learn from them and write how to WIN at weight loss.
1. Get a Big Fat Cocky Head.
Just when you’ve actually started to lose the first 15-20 pounds, go ahead and stop focusing. Stop journaling. Stop attending Weight Watcher’s meetings. Start telling yourself, “oh that little bag of M&M’s won’t hurt.” Tell yourself you can handle it. You deserve that treat for having a stressful day!
2. Don’t Measure Anything. 
Lose the measuring cups and portion control. You don’t need it to fail at weight loss. Sure, that entire bowl of pasta is a serving size. Eat it up. The whole order of Shrimp Egg Foo Yung in one night . . . EAT IT!
3. Become a Drive Through VIP.
Hit up every drive through in town and order the fattest burger with cheese and grease dripping right through the paper and on to your snug little jeans. Shoot, hit it up for lunch and dinner! If you already messed up one meal for the day, might as well pig out!
Go ahead fatty, order it all!
4. Spend Your Nights on the Couch.
Stop hitting up the gym every night after work. Start coming home (with your #2 from Wendy’s) and lay on the couch until bed time. I guarantee you will be a weight loss failure in no time! Can you feel the inches coming back?
5. Wear Sweat Pants in Public.
GASP! OMG, what kind of irresistible woman would do that? One that is a weight loss failure! Start dressing like a slob and you’ll be sure to stop caring about your body expanding. If you don’t wear the jeans that are getting tighter, the weight gain doesn’t exist.
6. Look in the Mirror and Call Yourself a Failure.
You’re going to fail anyways, right? You always do. Self-hatred is a sure fire way to gain weight and feel even worse about your growing fat rolls.
7. Binge Eat Today, Start Over Tomorrow.
Keep telling yourself that this is the last time. You’ll start fresh tomorrow. How many times this week have you already said that? Since it’s the “last” time, you must eat like it’s the last supper. You’ll never get another burger again! Or fries! Or pasta! Or a milkshake! Or icing!
8. Think of Every Excuse Possible.
Failures never fess up. They always have an excuse. Blame your weight gain on stress, work, kids, your spouse, the dog, the NFL. As long as you have excuses it’s someone else’s problem and you never have to be accountable for consuming 4000 calories a day. Fail? Ding!
9. Wait Until Life Slows Down.
Start your weight loss plan once all the holidays are over. Once you get settled at your new job. Once all the January birthdays are over. Hell, let’s wait until after Valentine’s Day because you can’t stay no to chocolate. Oh wait, then it’s Easter and you gotta have that big fat chocolate peanut butter filled egg. Well, it appears that life events are never going to slow down or stop until your dead. Might as well never start trying anyways.
10. Don’t Make Time to Exercise.
Why schedule ‘you’ time to sweat anyways? Between work, school, and the kids, you won’t even have time. Spend those free hours on the couch watching Dancing with the Stars. The more of a couch potato you become, the more you’ll stay away from the gym.
Mmmmmm, excuses taste sooooo good. See tip # 8.
End the Weight Loss Fails!
What’s Your Missing Link? Have you discovered it yet? I’ve learned that weight loss is 90% mental and 10% physical. The mind is a powerful place. I want to hear your struggles and how you’ve overcome them or if you haven’t, I’d love to just hear about it. We can learn so much from each other.
Leave a comment or drop me a line on Twitter or Facebook
“The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.”

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