purpose

I have constant anxiety that I have to “make it.” I’ve gotten into a habit of equating success to money. When I first decided to quit my job (after 7 years) and go after what I really wanted, it wasn’t solely for the money. At the time, my job made me miserable, angry, and dreaming every single minute for something better. I was stuck in a dead end. I also did it for the freedom and for my own happiness factor; that is priceless.

Lately, I feel as though I can’t keep up and things aren’t happening fast enough. Some days, I feel like a hamster on a wheel. I had a talk with my therapist about this last week and had an “Aha” moment.  First, we talked about what’s on my plate:

  • A full time instructional design job. (I’m blessed to have it b/c I work 100% from home and the pay is great. It has allowed me to stay financially comfortable, while still being able to run my blogging business.
  • I run this blog, Irresistible Icing.
  • I also run a pet blog, Irresistible Pets.
  • Don’t forget my business and business blog, Irresistible Media!
  • I also run all the social media and blogging for a client.

I told my therapist that I just don’t know where to focus my energy right now b/c I feel like (damn the perfectionist in me!) I have to give 150% to each project PLUS keep up with Weight Watchers, the emotional eating, and working out every day. Oh, and I need to have SOME sort of life in there!

I feel like I have to hustle and get more clients and contracts. Why? That’s money on the table. Where as blogging is not always a steady income. It comes in waves. I’m probably preaching to the choir about that one!

She asked me, “What makes you truly happy (as it relates to working and all my projects)?”

My eyes welled up with tears and I could barely talk. I answered, “When I’m writing and blogging. It puts me at peace. I feel a natural high. I feel like I’m right where I’m supposed to be and nothing else matters.”

Especially writing on this blog, where I can talk about things like this.

Then my therapist said something that I can’t forget, “Then that is what you do. That is what you focus on.”

I can’t tell you how much it means to read emails and comments telling me (ME?!) that I inspired someone. I never thought my “problems with weight” would help anyone. That gives me purpose in life. I WANT and NEED to be able to live this purpose in a bigger way. It’s a nagging feeling that just won’t leave me alone. I don’t know what that looks like yet, but I know I have to follow it.

An email from a reader that brings tears to my eyes every time:

THANK YOU! for opening my eyes that i CAN be irresistible…not only to my husband…but to me.  Continue to be irresistible! I look forward to reading along and learning to love myself and take care of myself.

I got my answer. I’m taking a break from finding new clients. I’m not stressing about contracts, affiliates and SEO right now. I just want to write. I want to blog from my heart and pour my soul into my work.

The rest will follow. If it’s truly meant to be, it will be.

“Once you figure out who you are and what you love about yourself, I think it all kinda falls into place.”
~Jennifer Aniston~

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