I’ve deleted and re-started this post about 5 times now. I have no clue how to describe the way I’m feeling right now but I’m going to try. I really hope you can make some sense out of this.
I’ve felt overwhelmingly happy, grateful, slightly depressed, anxious, and pissed off all at different times today. Wow. I must really sound like a raging maniac to you.
My gallbladder surgery was just 10 days ago. My body has almost completely healed and I feel 10 times better than a week ago.
When I was sick and having all the gallbladder attacks, I kept telling myself that I couldn’t wait to get it removed and get back on track. Getting back on track means working out daily and eating healthy and losing the last 50 lbs of this journey.
This past weekend was amazing. My husband and I were out and about living life, having a blast! It felt so freeing to be out of the house and LIVING. I had an overwhelming feeling of happiness and gratitude for my health and just enjoying the “small” things in life.
I also let myself eat every single thing I wanted. There was no holding back. There was no portion control. No counting points. You could say I binged my way through the weekend.
THAT hasn’t happened in a very long time.
I suppose it was the deprivation of food over the past month and a combination of knowing that the “get well soon” phase is almost over and reality is coming. . . AKA, getting back on track.
It actually was pissing me off that I could eat anything I wanted so soon.What, no pain? No diarrhea? No, I’ll box that up for later? I thought I was still healing? I thought my body would be sensitive to fat and grease?
I secretly hoped I wouldn’t be able to tolerate those foods ever again. The “eating disorder” in me thought that chronic diarrhea sounded like a good compromise for being able to eat a cheeseburger without gaining weight. BUT NO, of course I can eat anything I want. Of course, I don’t feel full when I should. This journey has to be difficult for me. It always has been.
Most people lose a shitload of weight before and even after the surgery. Me? Pssshhhh of course not. I am gaining weight. FUCK. I want to punch fat in it’s ugly fucking face. FUCK YOU FAT!!!!
I’m not gonna lie . . . it was nice to be 100% out of commission, not working and having to sit on the couch for a few days. It was nice having an “excuse” to get back to you later. It was nice to sleep during the day without guilt. It was wonderful not having to worry about the dishes, the laundry, cleaning, working, eating right, working out, taking the dog out, meeting social obligations, etc. I mean, life really does get exhausting at times, am I right?
Monday has come.
The emails are piled up and so are the dishes and the laundry. There’s mandatory meetings to attend. The couch is no longer an acceptable home office. Sweat pants are no longer ok to wear for a week straight. It’s time to put your adult clothes on, do your makeup, and style your hair. Nobody is waiting on you hand and foot. Nobody is there to help you stand up, sit down, cook you dinner, or run your errands.
Do it yourself.
Crackers and soup are no longer the only things your body can tolerate. Get up, go to the grocery store and eat what ever you want. BUT, choose wisely. Oh, and there’s nobody to help you load and unload those groceries. It’s just you, again. THAT is the depression.
Sitting on the couch all day and all night is no longer acceptable or an excuse. Saying you’re tired isn’t an excuse either. Your body is fine now. Get up and go work out. It’s hot outside again and you don’t want to feel like a miserable fat ass this summer, do you? THAT is the anxiety.
I refuse to live another HOT (and it gets scorching hot here) Summer fat and miserable. I just can’t do it. I just can’t feel like that again. But yet the warm weather is here and I’m not at goal. I’ve been set back for almost 2 months because of my health issues. The health issues that should’ve made me lose a ton of weight because I couldn’t eat anything. BUT NO. THAT is the anger.
I’m pissed off today because there’s no more excuses. There’s no more blaming shit on my gallbladder. It’s all back on me, again and the clock is ticking and I want to enjoy every second of life, feeling happy . . . and healthy.
“Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don’t complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don’t bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!” ~Bob Marley~
Hi! I’m Aimee with 2 E’s. I'm a confidence coach that empowers women to love themselves by breaking down body image issues, so that they can lose the emotional weight and gain the confidence to look and feel irresistible...at any size.
You have gone through a lot this year! I continue to pray for you. Things can only get better from here. 🙂 *hugs*
Thanks mama! I’m hoping for the best!
I can totally relate to this. I did nit have surgery but I am so depressed and angry this is another summer I will be uncomfortable. And…… it’s my fault.
I’m glad you are feeling better, I’ve been reading your blog for years. This will be a year of change.
Thank you April. I appreciate your support!
Hi Mimi, I saw your post on SITS Girls featured blogging tip post today and thought I’d come by and help you not feel invisible. I feel like that alot. I may have traffic and links and visitors but no one is telling me anything. They’re browsing but not “eating”.
Sorry to hear you’ve been having such a hard time. Glad to hear though that you are feeling physically better. I remember how miserable my mom was before she had her gall bladder out. You can get back on track. Just seeing your progress pictures tells me you can. I’m at my heaviest right now and I hate it. Stress, writing, homeschooling, cleaning, etc., etc., always seems to trip me up and I end up eating poorly again.
Thanks for your kind words. That means so much!!
Hang in there Mimi. The best is yet to come!
Thank you so much!
Hi Mimi,
I found your blog while looking for other Hampton Roads bloggers and I got completely sucked in! Your blog is awesome. I’m glad you’re feeling better and doing well after surgergy and girl, no matter how your feeling or what that annoying voice in your head is telling you today (i have one of those too, she’s a bitch) you look great! Plus, now that you’re healthy can only get better, right?
xoxo
Shannon
Thank you so much! There’s not many of us in the area so I’m always excited to meet another local blogger!
Wow, I’m sorry to hear this. I do hope you feel better!!
I can’t say I know exactly what you are going through because I’m not in the exact same situation; however, I can fully relate to all the up and down emotions… I’m right there with you on so many levels! Moving, the job, the interviews that didn’t pan out, money… it’s all led to me eating out of control (I really need stock in Pepperidge Farm at this point) and being very angry that I’m doing, angry about my emotions, which then puts me back to feeling depressed and than anxious/stressed about how it will all turn out. UGH! it’s exhausting just putting this out there. It’s amazing how much of a different regular counseling sessions and talk sessions during weekly walks actually do to help combat all of this and help make it manageable.
You’ll be back to feeling normal and better than ever eventually… just gotta take it one day at a time and be thankful for the things you can truly enjoy in that moment (being able to eat your favorite treat, taking your pup on a walk at the beach, getting out in the sunshine for a bit, etc).
Big hugs! Thank you for continuing to share your journey… it hits home for many of us in various ways!