I got a divorce and it’s not from my husband. I told my scale that it’s no longer working out between us. It’s not you, it’s me. I divorced my scale and this is my reason why . . .
This could possibly be the first time in my entire life that I have no clue what I weigh. I know that I’ve gained some weight over the past few months because I can feel it in my clothes and my health. The last time I weighed myself was in early August.
I can still remember the day I decided to divorce my scale. I woke up bright and early on a Saturday morning ready to take on the day! My makeup was looking fierce, my hair was on point, and I actually liked the way my clothes were fitting. You know those days where you just know you look fabulous? Yea, it was one of THOSE days! I felt so good that I knew I must have dropped a few pounds (because God knows I can’t actually feel good about myself otherwise). I jumped on the scale and immediately my parade of fabulousness was crushed.
I don’t even remember the number but I know it was like maybe 2 pounds up from the last time I weighed myself. I felt defeated. I felt less than. I felt like a loser . . . a big fat loser. This inanimate object was making me feel inferior and emotionally abusing me. How is that even possible?
I thought “what if I never weighed myself today?” I would have continued feeling fabulous. Instead I obsessed over a number. A freakin’ number!!! No longer did I think my hair and makeup looked fierce . . . most of all, I HATED the body staring back at me in the mirror that I thought looked irresistible just 5 minutes before.
It was this day that I decided to STOP weighing myself every single day. It’s obsessive. It’s compulsive. Then again, doesn’t that just about sum up my life? LOL
Scale, it’s not easy leaving you and I admit I’ve thought about you almost every single day. I’ve thought about what it would be like to weigh myself again . . . but I don’t have the heart to do it. I can’t handle the emotional anguish it would bring me to see you again. Maybe one day we can be friends when I’m healthier and in a better emotional state with my body.
I’ve even toiled over what to do with this blog . . . since I’ve really been MIA most of this year. Partly because I’ve been swamped over at Irresistible Pets and party because of my relationship with the scale. I’ve tossed and turned at night with thoughts that I can’t possibly write a weight loss blog without weekly weigh ins. I thought I would let all my readers down. Then it hit me that the very basis of this blog is NOT about the number on the scale. It’s about FEELING Irresistible, no matter what size you are.
So, here it is the last Sunday of 2013 and for the first time in my life I have no clue what I weigh. NO CLUE! I can’t even begin to describe how foreign of a concept that is for me. I’m the girl that can look at any picture from my life and tell you exactly what I weighed and what year it was. I’ve equated happiness to the scale and how much weight I was gaining or losing. My entire life has revolved around this ever changing number.
Over a month ago, I bought a shiny new Weight Watchers scale. I thought I’d start weighing myself again at least once a week. The scale is still sitting in my bathroom in the box. I haven’t touched it since I bought it. I just can’t bring myself to step on that scale. I know I’m nowhere near my “Medusa” weight or size but I always have fear of going back to that dark, depressing place. At the same time, I also know that I’m nowhere near my first 5K or wedding weight either. I’m somewhere in between and I’m not happy about that. I’m disappointed in myself and my weight gain. I seem to keep losing and gaining the same 15 pounds OVER and OVER again. It’s exhausting and crazy making behavior.
I want to change. I want a fresh start. I want a clean slate. I want to kick this emotional eating disorder in the ass once and for all. I want to prove all the haters wrong and show them I can do this. Most of all, I want to prove it to myself that I can do it.
I’m going to do it . . . but I won’t step on a scale. Nope. The scale is useless. I might weigh myself later down the road but not until I can learn to stop equating my value and self worth with a number on the scale. I just can’t do that anymore.
How will I do it? You’ll have to stick around to find out!
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“In two decades I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.”