I had a bunch of bananas that were going bad. My friend mentioned I should bake some banana bread with them. To that I giggled and said “I should but I can’t.”

That statement sums it all up.

I’d love to be able to bake banana bread and not eat the entire thing. BUT, even through I don’t even love or really even like banana bread, I’ll end up eating all of it eventually.

You think I want to be like that? Do you think I’m proud of that? Do you think this is making my life peaceful?

Over the past few months, I’ve really been struggling with my eating disorder. I’m good one day and then the next day I’m binging.

A big part of it for me is still being in denial. When I say out loud, “I have binge eating disorder”, I feel damaged. I feel broken. I feel like I’m not normal. Nobody wants to be labeled or have a disease that they obviously have no control over.

Some days I’ve even lost faith that I’ll ever be in control of this disorder. I’ve let myself down so many times that I don’t even know if I’m capable anymore.

I used to think the spiritual component of this journey was a joke. I’m learning more and more that’s something that’s always been missing in my life. I need to meditate and pray every single day about this to give myself the strength to make the right choices. I HAVE to. For me, keeping it top of mind that I DO have Binge Eating Disorder is what keeps me in control. I  have to stay on top of it. I have to always be aware. I will never think like a “normal” person about food no matter how well I am. I will always need to track, measure, weigh, and even avoid certain trigger foods. That’s just the way it goes.

An alcoholic never touches the bottle again. I have to eat food every single day. That’s what makes this the hardest addiction to live with!

“If your relationship to the present moment is not right – nothing can ever be right in the future – because when the future comes – it’s the present moment.” ~Eckhart Tolle~