Once again I’ve been shying away from my blog. This nags at me because writing about my journey with binge eating disorder is therapeutic for me.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I haven’t been writing as often. It’s easier to write from a happy place when the weight is falling off and the binges are non-existent. Of course! Everyone loves perfect. Right?
I’m not back in a place of depression (thank GOD!) but yet my binging has taken over my life in the past few months. I’ve had so many big stressors going on in life that I’ve allowed the food to dominate.
I thought about why I’m not sharing the bad stuff with you. I think it has everything to do with vulnerability . . . something I can’t stand feeling. Just writing the word makes me shutter!
It was so much easier to blog on here when nobody that I knew in “real life” was reading my blog. Now that people I actually interact with on a daily basis read my blog, it’s sometimes scary to share those things. I know that’s really effed up. I don’t care if a thousand strangers read it . . . but if 10 people I know read it, then it feels different.
I don’t want to be judged. I don’t want anyone’s pity. I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me. Has anyone done this? I don’t even know. It might just all be in my head. I guess it goes back to not wanting to be seen as vulnerable or imperfect.
What I do want and what I desperately need is to tell my story. I have this nagging feeling from the bottom of my heart to share my stories with you. I can’t even put that into words. Believe me when I tell you that nagging feeling wakes me in the middle of the night as if it’s calling me to do this.
I’ve been doing research on personal development and vulnerability and came across this quote from Brené Brown (who I love):
“The original definition of ‘courage’ . . . is from the Latin word ‘cor,’ meaning ‘heart.’ And the original definition was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. And so these folks had, very simply, the courage to be imperfect. They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first, and then to others, because, as it turns out, we can’t practice compassion with other people if we can’t treat ourselves kindly. And the last was they had connection, and—this was the hard part—as a result of authenticity, they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be, in order to be who they were, which you have to absolutely do that for connection.”
It validated for me that it’s incredibly scary to share the hard stuff with people. It’s not easy but it’s necessary. So, I’ve decided to live my life with more courage. I need to tell my story with my whole heart and I will.
I may be judged for it. I may have people talk behind my back for it. So what.
More importantly, I may also heal myself in the process. I may also heal someone else too! That is worth every ounce of vulnerability of opening myself up and sharing my story with you.
I was deeply moved by this speech given by Brené Brown. Check it out when you have some time!
“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”