Happy Mother’s Day! This Mother’s Day is a unique and special one for me. It’s my first Mother’s Day as a pregnant woman. That’s right!. I’m pregnant with my first baby and due in late October/early November! It’s still so surreal to say that!
I announced this on Facebook and Instagram but this is the first time I’m formally announcing it here on my blog. It only seemed right being that it’s Mother’s Day, I’m officially in the second trimester, AND we now know the gender!
I’m over the moon excited and happy that we are having a baby girl! I can’t wait to meet her and have her in our little family. I’m so excited for the future and beyond blessed and grateful but it didn’t start out this way.
Is Motherhood For Me?
I’ve been a “dog mom” to my Chuy for the past six years but I wasn’t sure if I’d ever become a “human” mother. Not because of fertility issues but because I just didn’t think it was something I wanted. I never had baby fever as they say. Everyone kept telling me once I turned 30 it would happen. Nope. I would say after I turned 34 I started considering the idea. Then the feelings just got more intense. I can’t explain it. I just felt like it was the right time and that I was in a really good place and ready for this chapter in my life. Luckily, my husband felt the exact same way.
At the beginning of 2016 we had a serious conversation about the future of Baby B. We agreed that we were as ready as we could possibly be (are you really ever 100% ready for something this life changing!?) and we’d always regret if we never tried. However, we were both scared because we had never tried to get pregnant and what if in our mid 30’s nothing happened?
So we thought we better start trying now since it could probably take awhile. No kidding on the first try, here I am. Pregnant. Seriously.
It’s All Happening So Quick!
The quickness of it all took me by surprise. This baby was totally planned and wanted. I just had no idea it would happen this early in the year!
Let’s get really effing real for a moment about pregnancy and the things that go through a woman’s head. It’s not all rainbows, sunshine, and pregnancy glow like it’s portrayed by so many people.
The night I found out I was pregnant I had just finished a kickboxing workout and I was in shock. The first emotion I felt was not happiness. It was fear and denial. I felt like a piece of shit because I wasn’t jumping up and down for joy. All I could think about was how all my weight loss efforts to date were now going to be derailed and this would NOT be the Summer 2016 I had envisioned.
I’ve NEVER been at my goal weight. I’ve never had the chance to have a perfect body. I’ve never had a summer where I feel 110% comfortable in my own skin. It sure as shit wasn’t going to happen now!
Why didn’t I just wait until July to start trying? What the fuck was I thinking? Who the hell did I think I was getting pregnant while I’m still fat? How irresponsible is that? You could have controlled this situation. You can’t blame anyone else but YOU, Aimee! You should have waited!
You see the main thing that has held me back from getting pregnant is MY view of my body. I knew that I wouldn’t have the “perfect” little cute round baby bump. I already have a gut and a spare tire. I already have stretch marks. I already have wide birthing hips. My boobs are bigger than most nursing mothers. I pushed that thought out of my head because I’ll just look like a circus sideshow freak.
I mentally can’t afford to get big, again. I’ve lost and gained weight more times than I can count on both hands and I know the mental anguish that has put me though. I promised myself I would never gain weight again. This was the LAST year!
I’ve sat in front of the mirror crying as I looked at my perfect skin ripped apart by scary, harsh, red streaks called stretch marks. I’ve already been through the hell of my body being out control and feeling like a prisoner behind the fat and stretch marks.
The only difference is that I never had a baby at the end of it all. I had nothing to show for it.
Embracing My Pregnancy Body Image Fears
On the other hand, I felt like the most selfish piece of shit mother-to-be in the world for even thinking these thoughts. I personally know plenty of women that can’t even get pregnant. Here I am, pregnant on the first try and I couldn’t even stop thinking about my body for once. “Quit being such a selfish bitch”. I would tell myself.
It took the next few weeks for me to really digest the news and mentally prepare for my new life. I kept telling myself this is what YOU wanted. . . so why do you feel like this? WTF is wrong with you?!
All of these thoughts were so conflicting. Beneath all of this I felt so blessed and grateful. I started to think how my “fat body” was obviously healthy enough to create a baby and create one that quickly. I honestly think a lot of that has to do with how well I was taking care of myself mentally and physically. My body may not be “perfect” by society’s standards but it’s perfect enough to create and carry life.
Plus, our baby is due right in the middle of the same week as our wedding anniversary and the date my grandmother left the Earth. If that’s not divine intervention I don’t know what is.
This baby is meant to be in every way possible. The timing is actually perfect.
My Daughter, I Already Love and Adore You
Once I saw that little heartbeat and my baby dancing around on the ultrasound everything changed. It became real. It was no longer about staying healthy and striving for the perfect body for Aimee. I started to see the irresistible lifestyle in a whole new light. I have a baby to take care of and I need to set the standard when she is here. I don’t want her to see me talking negatively about my body. I don’t want her to see me stuffing my face with icing covered cupcakes when I’ve had a bad day. I want my daughter to love herself no matter what and see food as a positive thing. I want our little family to be active and have fun doing it! I want us to embrace the irresistible life.
Watching your body change and expand is not the easiest thing in the world when you’ve struggled you’re entire life with your weight and emotional eating. That’s what I was always afraid of. For a “normal” woman, it’s cute and funny to watch yourself grow. It’s not that whimsical and easy for someone like me who’s seen their body go up and down on the scale ALL of their life.
It’s true what they say, all major events positive and negative in our lives are here to teach us our biggest lessons. I have no other choice but to embrace my body and all the amazing things it’s doing right now for the sake of my daughter. I owe it to myself and to her to continue to create and live an irresistible life.
Loving My Baby Bump, Flaws & All
It’s crazy but I’ve had a 180 degree change and I actually love my growing baby bump. It means there’s LIFE inside of me. There’s hope for the future of my daughter and what that means for our family. My body? Ehh. This too shall pass. This is temporary. I do as much as I can to eat right and exercise every day. I have the rest of my life once she’s born to get in the best shape of my life. Right now, I’m just going to embrace actually being pregnant and all the crazy things that come along with this ride.
Trust me, it’s not easy and some days are really hard! There are days where I feel disgusting and ugly. Thanks pregnancy hormones. Then there’s the days where I know I look fabulous and I’m happy I don’t have to suck it in anymore!
So, I’ll end this long blog post with a few closing remarks. I want you to know that you ARE irresistible and you’re capable for creating an irresistible life . . . whatever the definition is of that for YOU. Pregnancy and motherhood is a beautiful thing but not every day is beautiful and that’s ok. As long as the good outweighs the bad you’re doing ok.
I also want to wish all of the moms (especially my mama) a very Happy Mother’s Day from my family to yours!
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“Being pregnant finally helped me understand what my true relationship was with my body – meaning that it wasn’t put on this earth to look good in a swimsuit.” ~Amy Adams~