I must confess. I got out of control this weekend with my food. I binged. I feel like shit. I went to bed last night with a stomach ache. I woke up today with the “binge eating hangover.” My skin is puffy. I feel sluggish. As of right now, my weekly points are NEGATIVE 50! WTF!
I’ve mentioned a million times that the weekends are my weakness. I really lost control this past weekend. I let my emotions get the best of me. I let poor planning ruin all of my hard work from the week. I had just said out loud on Friday night to my husband how I FINALLY was starting to feel some balance in all aspects of my life again. Maybe this is why I’m always TERRIFIED to actually FEEL happy and say it out loud? It seems like every time my life is going great, something bad happens. I’m especially on edge about stuff considering that I lost my grandmother just 4 months ago. I think about death ALL the time and I hate it. The thought of losing people I love gives me tremendous anxiety. Death is what provoked my panic attacks right after high school and caused me to balloon to my highest weight of all time.
On Saturday, I ended up consuming 76 points! Sunday was right behind with a total of 74 points. Here’s a snap shot of what this binge looked like on Saturday.
I never in my life had even heard of TrueNorth Chocolate Nut Crunch. I was starving while shopping at Dick’s Sporting Goods for kayaks and needed something to hold me over. Seriously, we were there for hours! Ugh.
I was HANGRY and emotional and next thing I know, the bag was gone. I knew when I selected the bag at the checkout line that it was a bad choice. I knew that I should have looked up the points first. I didn’t care. If I’m going to binge, I at least wish it would have been with icing and not some snack that I really didn’t even enjoy.
Feeling out of balance is the root cause of my Binge Eating Disorder. I have learned this over the past few years and for that I’m grateful and proud of myself. I know the things that trigger me. I know that I can’t control bad news or people dying. I’ve come to learn that the only thing I can control is my eating and exercise.
These things happen. I’m human. I forgive myself. I tracked it all in my Weight Watchers journal. I confessed it to you. I’m sharing it with my Weight Watchers coach today. I’m moving on. Today is a new day. This is a new week. I can’t change anything about the past. I can only change what I do going forward and I refuse to let Binge Eating Disorder drag me back to that dark, depressing, miserable, place.