I have a million and one things that “need” to get done. Work deadlines are looming over my head. There’s three baskets of clothes sitting in my bedroom that need to be put away or washed. I honestly cannot remember which pile is dirty. I think there’s even a load in the wash that I forgot to dry. Yuck. My house is still half decorated for Halloween and the other half is on my kitchen table waiting to be put away. There’s a stack of receipts sitting on my desk along with magazines, paper work, and a few other odds and ends. There’s a gazillion notifications on my phone I haven’t had a chance to check and let’s not even get started on the unanswered emails. I need to go grocery shopping because there’s literally nothing here unless you want some apocalyptic style meal. I feel disgusting because I haven’t had a home cooked meal in days and have been living on fast food. I also haven’t spent any time working out so I feel horrible. Can I also add that I HATE when my home is in chaos! I can’t stand messes and clutter.
I feel like one of those pots on the stove where the water is spewing everywhere and the lid is about to blow off.
I guess I should fill you in on what is going on in case you don’t know.
My grandmother (who I call Nam) has been in the hospital for about a month now. A year ago she was diagnosed with Uterine and Vaginal cancer. She went through radiation like a rock star and was doing really good. She kicked cancer’s ass and we were told it was over with. Nam has always been independent, even into her late 80’s. She still drove, got her hair done, went shopping, and has never needed anyone to physically take care of her. Things started to drastically change a few months ago. I mean literally overnight. After countless procedures, doctors appointments, and ER trips she’s back in the hospital and isn’t coming home. The cancer has come back with a vengeance and it’s spread all over her body.
Nam has been a huge part of my life from the very day I was born. She watched me when I was a baby/toddler and moved in with my parents when I was about 5 years old. I grew up thinking it was the norm to have your grandma live with you! I would spend hours up in her room playing, watching TV, and laughing about all kinds of stuff. It breaks my heart into pieces knowing that I will have to say goodbye any day now.
I was holding it together pretty well in terms of staying within my Weight Watchers plan and getting my exercise in. Just the other night after my visit with her, I was CRAVING a good workout! Where did that momentum go? In the last week things have really taken a turn for the worse with Nam and all of those things that I know I need to do for my own sanity have taken a back seat.
It’s ok to go off plan one day but it’s a concern when it starts happening day after day. On Saturday I was so emotionally exhausted that when we left the hospital we picked up Sonic (including a Sonic Blast . . .) and five Red Box movies. I didn’t leave the couch all night until it was time for bed. I needed that time to veg out from all the talks about death and dying. The problem is that type of eating continued into Sunday and yesterday.
We ended up grabbing dinner at Burger King last night because it’s so close to the hospital and there hasn’t been time to cook at home or go grocery shopping. I know that’s just an excuse because I can just as easily go to Subway or pick something better than a 20 point chicken sandwich from the fast food menu. I’ve allowed myself to slip back a bit in the last few days and use food as a comfort.
BUT, the truth is the food is not a comfort. It makes me feel worse afterwards. I also know the long term consequences of it and I refuse to let that happen! Intense thoughts about death is what pushed me into having extreme panic attacks when I was 18. It was also the reason I gained almost 100 pounds in a few months. Now that those fears are here and happening right in front of me, I do not want to make the same mistakes again. I’m older and a hell of a lot wiser and I can’t allow grief to rule my choices and decisions about my body and quite frankly my sanity.
I’m praying for peace in this extremely difficult time and that I can continue to take care of my body and not allow the situation to control MY choices.
“This, too, shall pass”