It’s been TWO weeks since I posted on my blog. TWO weeks too long! I hate having long absences like this in between posts. For the past 2 weeks, I just needed to be away from the weight loss blogging community. I couldn’t even bare looking at other people’s successes. I just needed some time to process some news I received.
Breaking Up with the Scale?
So, you probably know by now that in January of this year I decided to break up with my scale and solely rely on taking weekly measurements. At the time, this seemed like the best plan for my journey. Over the past few weeks, I’ve been a bit annoyed at the process because there aren’t always results I can report every week which I’ve shared in my weekly measurement posts.
The last time I had jumped on a scale was sometime last Summer (2013). I had my yearly pap smear on April 10th 2014, so I knew that dreaded weigh in moment was coming. I can’t even express the anxiety I had leading up to the appointment. I went back and forth with myself about whether or not I would look at the number on the scale. I made a decision to find out. I needed to know.
Stepping on the Scale . . .
I got to my appointment and of course the first thing they do is have you step on the scale. I had so much anxiety about the weigh in and of course the pap smear because well they pretty much suck! I stepped on the scale, took a deep breath, and looked down.
I almost passed out and I’m not exaggerating when I say that. I could barely get my shoes back on because I kept fumbling like I was going to faint.
The big fat truth was staring me down.
I was mortified.
I’m mortified to sit here and type it for all the world to judge.
I weighed 245 lbs. For the next half hour while I sat in the exam room and waited for the doctor in my paper skirt, I was in shock. I couldn’t even believe I allowed myself to get this big. Again.
For the past 10 years I’ve yo-yo’d between 185 – 225 but never anything over that. When I was at my largest in what I like to call the “Medusa Days”, I weighed over 250 lbs. I swore I’d never be that BIG again but here I was face to face with the scale and I was only 5 lbs lighter than my worst weight of all time. I went through a few days of anger and rage at myself and about how other people can lose the weight and never see it again. WHY am I different? WHY do I keep letting myself go back to this hell? Most days, before and after pics really motivate and encourage me. Over the past 2 weeks, they were doing the opposite. I was angry that I don’t have ONE before and after. I have so many I’ve lost count. I just didn’t even want to be around the weight loss blogging community until I could get a grip on my situation.
How Did I Get Here?
I constantly journal my food, weigh/measure my food, blog about my journey, and workout. Was I just in denial about my size? Even my husband couldn’t believe the number and assured me multiple times that I look nothing like I did in those Medusa days. Of course, I really don’t believe him. All those memories of being that big came flooding back with a vengeance.
I immediately started trying to figure out how this happened. The last time I weighed in I was around 213 and that was last Summer. It’s got to be because my gallbladder was removed! Yea, that’s it! Ever since I had it removed, I’ve slowly packed on the pounds. After talking it out with my husband, he said, “Babe, have you honestly been giving it 120% every single day, every single week?” To which I answered, “No. Somedays are 100% and others are 50%.”
He had a point. I knew deep down inside I haven’t given 120% every single day. I haven’t made this my number one priority. I haven’t been consistent, so I got inconsistent results. No more excuses.
Facing the Truth
Facing that number on the scale made me feel like a failure. It made me feel like a broken record. I didn’t think I could come back here and blog about it. I want to motivate and inspire other women, not bring you down. I want to show you that you can live an irresistible life and lose the weight. How could I do this when I felt like a hypocrite? I felt like everyone is so sick and tired of hearing about my yo-yo’ing up and down. BUT, after much thought I knew that I had to share it. I had to be honest because this is part of MY journey.
Facing that number on the scale made me feel dehumanized and most of all less of a woman. I felt unattractive and most definitely didn’t feel irresistible. It makes me sick to know that I weigh more than a grown man! Knowing that I weigh more than my husband stabs me right in the heart.
Finding the Lesson
Once I got past the initial shock and accepted the facts for what they are, I had to find the lesson in all of this. There’s a lesson in every hurt and every trial we are put through. WHY do I keep going down this road and gaining back all of my weight every single time I lose it? I suppose the lesson is that I still haven’t learned that this is a lifestyle change FOREVER. That’s the that hardest part to accept but I hear it loud and clear now.
I have to always put my weight/myself first above everything else going on. Some would say that’s selfish. To be honest, I don’t care what they say. Nobody can lose the weight for me. Nobody can sit in the dressing room and cry for me when clothes don’t fit. Nobody can sit in the dressing room and cry when the clothes DO fit after working so hard for it. Only I can do this. This is the only thing in the world I have full control over.
I have been put through these tests for a reason. I know that reason is greater than myself. I can’t explain that but I feel it deep inside my soul. As cheesy as that may sound, it’s the truth. I know I can’t quit and I refuse to give up. I’m going to plow through this weight and create an irresistible life that I deserve.
My Decision to Keep Going
As much as I thought the scale was my enemy, it’s a necessary evil that I need back in my life right now to keep myself focused and on track. I will continue taking my measurements, progress pics, and progress clothes. For right now, for my journey, I will be weighing in once a week and posting those results right here for all to see. I am determined to make this the last time I lose this weight. I am determined to break the cycle of yo-yo dieting. I am determined to become who I was meant to be.
Making the decision to lose weight and live an irresistible life is the best choice you could ever make for yourself. It’s also the hardest, most painful journey you’ll ever take. However, I strongly believe the results are worth it. The WHY is worth every single tear and heartache. Don’t give up. If you give up, you’ll never know what you were capable of. Figure out what your WHY is and remember that every single time it hurts to go on.
If you’re still reading this post, I can’t even express to you how much I appreciate you!
Until next time . . .
“I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.”