I’ve deleted and re-started this post about 5 times now. I have no clue how to describe the way I’m feeling right now but I’m going to try. I really hope you can make some sense out of this.
I’ve felt overwhelmingly happy, grateful, slightly depressed, anxious, and pissed off all at different times today. Wow. I must really sound like a raging maniac to you.
My gallbladder surgery was just 10 days ago. My body has almost completely healed and I feel 10 times better than a week ago.
When I was sick and having all the gallbladder attacks, I kept telling myself that I couldn’t wait to get it removed and get back on track. Getting back on track means working out daily and eating healthy and losing the last 50 lbs of this journey.
This past weekend was amazing. My husband and I were out and about living life, having a blast! It felt so freeing to be out of the house and LIVING. I had an overwhelming feeling of happiness and gratitude for my health and just enjoying the “small” things in life.
I also let myself eat every single thing I wanted. There was no holding back. There was no portion control. No counting points. You could say I binged my way through the weekend.
THAT hasn’t happened in a very long time.
I suppose it was the deprivation of food over the past month and a combination of knowing that the “get well soon” phase is almost over and reality is coming. . . AKA, getting back on track.
It actually was pissing me off that I could eat anything I wanted so soon.What, no pain? No diarrhea? No, I’ll box that up for later? I thought I was still healing? I thought my body would be sensitive to fat and grease?
I secretly hoped I wouldn’t be able to tolerate those foods ever again. The “eating disorder” in me thought that chronic diarrhea sounded like a good compromise for being able to eat a cheeseburger without gaining weight. BUT NO, of course I can eat anything I want. Of course, I don’t feel full when I should. This journey has to be difficult for me. It always has been.
Most people lose a shitload of weight before and even after the surgery. Me? Pssshhhh of course not. I am gaining weight. FUCK. I want to punch fat in it’s ugly fucking face. FUCK YOU FAT!!!!
I’m not gonna lie . . . it was nice to be 100% out of commission, not working and having to sit on the couch for a few days. It was nice having an “excuse” to get back to you later. It was nice to sleep during the day without guilt. It was wonderful not having to worry about the dishes, the laundry, cleaning, working, eating right, working out, taking the dog out, meeting social obligations, etc. I mean, life really does get exhausting at times, am I right?
Monday has come.
The emails are piled up and so are the dishes and the laundry. There’s mandatory meetings to attend. The couch is no longer an acceptable home office. Sweat pants are no longer ok to wear for a week straight. It’s time to put your adult clothes on, do your makeup, and style your hair. Nobody is waiting on you hand and foot. Nobody is there to help you stand up, sit down, cook you dinner, or run your errands.
Do it yourself.
Crackers and soup are no longer the only things your body can tolerate. Get up, go to the grocery store and eat what ever you want. BUT, choose wisely. Oh, and there’s nobody to help you load and unload those groceries. It’s just you, again. THAT is the depression.
Sitting on the couch all day and all night is no longer acceptable or an excuse. Saying you’re tired isn’t an excuse either. Your body is fine now. Get up and go work out. It’s hot outside again and you don’t want to feel like a miserable fat ass this summer, do you? THAT is the anxiety.
I refuse to live another HOT (and it gets scorching hot here) Summer fat and miserable. I just can’t do it. I just can’t feel like that again. But yet the warm weather is here and I’m not at goal. I’ve been set back for almost 2 months because of my health issues. The health issues that should’ve made me lose a ton of weight because I couldn’t eat anything. BUT NO. THAT is the anger.
I’m pissed off today because there’s no more excuses. There’s no more blaming shit on my gallbladder. It’s all back on me, again and the clock is ticking and I want to enjoy every second of life, feeling happy . . . and healthy.
“Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don’t complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don’t bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!” ~Bob Marley~