Some people would probably gasp at some of the stuff I write “out loud.” I don’t. This shit floats around inside my head and I’m not good at expressing myself verbally, so I just write. Writing is my outlet. The minute I start typing into my blog, everything around me finally seems at peace. I can remember years ago when I started my first “adult” job in travel I would always say my dream job would be to become a travel writer, writing reviews in my beach house on the ocean. Maybe I should start working on that dream again…I can even remember writing my first “weight loss” journal in like 4th or 5th grade, except it was in in a real notebook! I guess not much has changed . . .
In therapy, we are doing a process each week called EMDR. It’s really hard to understand unless you have been through it. I was skeptical myself. But, I can truly say that it works. I wish that I could share everything but something’s must remain private 🙂 The first memories that we started working on was the bullying in school and me not feeling like I could stand up for myself. Let me tell you, that isn’t a problem lately!
Actually, I can’t believe the words that come out of my mouth sometimes. It doesn’t mean I’ve turned into a psycho bitch, it just means I’ve learned to let all that past stuff go and be assertive and not take shit from anyone, anymore. And it feels great and empowering. AND, I could almost swear it’s helping me make better choices with food because it feels less emotional.
The next memory we must tackle (because it naturally came up) is when I had my biggest weight gain which happened right after graduating high school. I gained damn near 100 lbs in one Summer! I can remember being in such denial about it. I can remember seeing the stretch marks that I created from such a rapid and extreme weight gain and I was horrified. I felt like I damaged my body. They were hideous. It was permanent…they don’t go away, right?
I’ve never really been able to pinpoint exactly WHY I gained that weight when I was 18. BUT, last year when I started gaining weight back and got depressed I identified some similarities and THAT is what got my ass into therapy. I refused to feel the way I did back in 1999 ever again. I wasn’t there 100% yet, but I knew if I didn’t stop, it was going to repeat itself and god knows how many more pounds this time.
So, here I am today.
For some reason, this shit yesterday struck a bigger nerve with me than the bullying did. And, I think I might be hitting the block about why I can never get past a certain weight when it comes to weight loss.
My theory so far: Well, the negative cognition we came up with is ( you have to select these from a list)“I am permanently damaged.” I came up with this because when I think back to the weight gain and the stretch marks, I ruined myself. I ruined my body. I can never get it back to where it was. No matter how much weight I lose, it won’t ever look the way it did.
Perhaps, that’s why I haven’t been able to get to goal. It’s a subconscious block. Ughhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could write a book about this right now but I need to go and I don’t want to bore you.
There’s lots to explore, work on, and figure out. But, I’m actually excited about it because this process is so liberating!
So, until next time!
“No matter who you are, no matter what you do, you absolutely, positively do have the power to change.”