I had a HUGE revelation tonight. As you might know, I’m in therapy to deal with my binge/emotional eating disorder. I finally realized that I had to face my emotional issues around food so that I could finally make this a lifestyle change and not just a temporary fix until the next big event.
Let me tell you…It’s dredging up emotions that I didn’t even know existed!!!
We are going to start EMDR soon to determine the exact memories or trauma that has caused me to use food as my drug of choice all these years.
In order to prepare for this, my therapist gave me a form to fill out. I must fill out any and all traumatic events that have happened in my life and rate them from 0-10.
You see, I thought this exercise was going to be extremely difficult if not impossible. I was raised in a stable home, with awesome, loving parents…never abused…In fact, I was extremely blessed that I had a pretty awesome childhood!
BUT, the memories I can’t get out of my head when I think back are of elementary/middle school…the bus. The bullies. The name calling. Ugh.
I thought to myself, “Pffff, that’s not traumatic you weakling! Trauma is being molested or seeing war. Every kid gets bullied at some point. You got over that years ago!”
Typical me; in denial all the way. . .
So, like I always do, I started googling . . . As if Google needs to validate my thoughts/feelings. WTF!?!
Dearest Google, Is childhood bullying a form of psychological trauma?
The results overwhelmed me! YES, of course it’s trauma, you ding dong! In fact, many doctors refer to it as a form of PTSD and even abuse. Wow. No wonder I’ve been self-medicating with icing!
“A recent study in the journal of pediatrics shows that overweight and obese children are more likely to be bullied than their “normal” weight peers and suggests that this can severely hinder overweight and obese children’s social and psychological development. It can also lead to increased weight gain and eating disorders.”
Then, the tears came….and then, they wouldn’t stop. I mean the UGLY cry! The I can’t breathe, my chest hurts, just let it all out cry. I did this for almost 30 minutes!!!
I could almost visualize some of the assholes from my childhood and the things they would say to me. I’ve kept all of this to myself for so many years. I didn’t want anyone to know I was a dork or not cool. I didn’t want to be viewed as “weak.” I don’t like anyone to feel sorry for me. Not then, not now.
It hurt like hell to think about the child version of myself and how she
didn’t couldn’t defend herself. I would never let anyone do that to me now.
Then, the anger washed over me. I wanted to step back in time and beat the shit out of those kids. How dare they!!!!!
Oddly enough, it also felt good because I’m getting closer to answers and the closure I need to become the best version of myself.
All these years, I just assumed I had no willpower and motivation to sustain weight loss and a healthy lifestyle.
During the cry fest, I got the worst pain in my stomach and I felt a migraine coming on. It literally took all my energy away afterwards. Talk about emotionally drained.
On top of it – the thought of food actually disgusted me. Wow. Wait, what?
My therapist and I haven’t even discussed this yet but I’m pretty sure this has almost everything to do with the emotional binge eating. It would also explain many of my not so proud moments, fierce independence, and determination later in life.
I still have A LOT of work to do! I can’t wait to see her take on it next week.